Sky UK TV Guide

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11:00 The Mistress of Spices
Film Bride & Prejudice star Aishwarya Rai reunites with husband-and-wife co-writers Paul Mayeda Berges and Gurinder Chadha for this vivid contemporary fairy tale. Only this time, Berges directs, overstretching himself with an ambitious adaptation of Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni's acclaimed novel. Set in Oakland, California, the Chocolat-style story revolves around psychic spice-shop owner Tilo (Rai), a member of an ancient female cult that worships and utilises the mystical powers of Indian spices. However, the magic of her wares is dependent on strict rules, which she disastrously breaks after falling for architect Dylan McDermott. It's a charming idea conceptually, yet the finished project is bland and lifeless. While the supernatural elements seem incongruous, the underdeveloped narrative and characters lack bite - a weakness emphasised by an overreliance on voiceover. Consequently, though every frame looks as gorgeous as Rai herself, the film feels more like a cookery advice show than an enchanting, cross-cultural romance.

12:50 Girls! Girls! Girls!
Film An enjoyable Elvis Presley romp with colourful locations, a serviceable (though silly) plot and some super ladies, including Stella Stevens who also gets to sing. The sentimentality is a bit glutinous, but there's an underlying toughness to Presley's character that is shown to good effect in some particularly well-acted scenes that also involve young Laurel Goodwin. The hit song is the superb Return to Sender, which was an international number one, and the rest of the score is quite bearable, including We're Coming in Loaded and Thanks to the Rolling Sea. Yes, it's about boats, as if that mattered.

14:45 Carry On Abroad
Film Jimmy Logan gives unquestionably the worst pre-Carry On Columbus performance in this disappointing outing, which is every bit as jerry-built as the Elsbels Palace Hotel itself. With a stingy quota of jokes, the team's package holiday to Spain rapidly descends into predictable postcard innuendo and second-rate slapstick. There are one or two neat observations on the British abroad, and Peter Butterworth and Hattie Jacques have fun as the shiftless hotel boss and his fiery cook, but overall there's too little for the regulars to do. This is a sad series swan song for the inimitable Charles Hawtrey.

16:30 CutThroat Island
Film This pirate picture from Renny Harlin has all the ingredients to shiver the timbers and also boasts the best treasure map ever seen on screen, yet it has gone down in history as one of the biggest box-office disasters of recent times. Geena Davis and Matthew Modine swagger with suitable bravado, but their performances are sunk by the predictability of the action. The storm, the sea battle, the swordfights and the romance all work like clockwork, so there's little suspense to transform familiar spectacle into edge-of-the-seat excitement. It's polished entertainment, but with a little more imagination it could have been exhilarating.

18:45 Cocoon: The Return
Film In this sci-fi sequel, director Daniel Petrie strains far too hard to recapture the touching whimsy of Ron Howard's original film and succeeds only in producing a mawkish melodrama. Although the dapper Don Ameche reprises his Oscar-winning role of Art Selwyn, there is much less of a spring in his step, and fellow old folks Wilford Brimley and Hume Cronyn are clearly equally uncomfortable with a script in which an emphasis on the joy of living has been overlaid with a glum resignation to the consolation prizes of old age. The performances remain endearing, however, and it can still raise a tear if you're in the mood.

21:00 There's Something about Mary
Film Those kings of bad taste Peter and Bobby Farrelly (Dumb and Dumber, Kingpin) surpassed themselves with this defiantly non-PC but wickedly funny Hollywood smash. Ben Stiller plays a writer (Ted Stroehmann) who, 13 years later, is still obsessed by his prom date Cameron Diaz, even though the occasion ended in disaster. The problem is that a queue of fellow misfits has also fallen under her spell, including British comic Lee Evans and the seedy private eye (Matt Dillon) Stiller hired to find her. With gags about the mentally and physically disabled, dead dogs and serial killers, not to mention the now infamous "hair gel" scene, this is unwholesome entertainment for older members of the family. The hapless Stiller uncovers a previously unseen gift for slapstick, although none of the cast can be faulted in this area. There's also an inspired musical commentary from American cult singer/songwriter Jonathan Richman.

23:15 Paradise Lost
Film Six tourists backpacking through Brazil get stranded in the jungle after their bus crashes, in this cross between The Beach and Hostel. A local boy offers to let them stay at his uncle's house (who just happens to be a surgeon), but they soon find that the hospitality comes at a very high price. Things start off bright and breezy, before turning dark and grungy as the overly naive travellers (including Josh Duhamel and Melissa George) slowly recognise the true dangers facing them. There are some sharp shocks and grisly scenes involving skewers, hooks and staple guns. But what grips most here is a breathtaking underwater chase through subterranean caves, which mines the same clammy claustrophobia as The Descent. This takes the horror staple of brash strangers clashing with an alien culture that views them with contempt and gives it a savvy twist.